Yesterday I went to my follow-up appt. with the dietician, feeling hopeless and frustrated about nothing changing. The summarized version of the plan for this month beyond continue to do what I was doing... in order of suckiness from least to most...
1. Cut out one the the snack times. (No biggy b/c I wasn't really eating b/c I was hungry, but rather b/c I was trying to make sure I was taking in enough calories knowing I wasn't previously.)
2. Keep an extra eye on ingredients. (Again, no biggy. We already switched to low fat milk last month and have been getting low fat yogurts. The main thing I have to do is remember to grab low fat cheese as well once we run out of what we have.)
3. Get more sleep. (This is going to be extremely hard to do at least until cheerleading ends. The plan is to do it as best as possible and focus more on it once cheerleading is over. This upcoming week it won't happen since I have practice until 7pm every single day. I can sleep in all week after that since we're on break and hopefully after that I can get into a more steady schedule. This has always been a tough area for me... I sometimes have trouble falling sleep... sometimes I wake up randomly in the middle of the night... sometimes I wake up way early before my alarm... some nights are a combo of any of these. All I can really do is try as best as I can though. I'm not against this idea... just know it'll be tough.)
4. Bring my own lunches 3 days a week instead of always eating cafe foods or frozen meals. (This sounds like an easy thing, but it's not for me. I really don't like a lot of the typical lunch things and by the time I get home (at least currently w/ cheerleading going on) I have no motivation or desire to prepare something for the next day. It's also hard to figure out WHAT I'll bring. I have time to think about it though. It was supposed to start right away, but I realized that's not going to happen as I was giving it more thought tonight. With the new lunch program at school we order/pay for lunches for the month so I'm already set for February. I checked the menu and I already purchased lunches for almost every day left in the month and the week off I won't even be in MA so that's a whole different story. Soooo... I'll give it more thought and hopefully come up w/ some ideas to start in March. This one isn't hard... just annoying to me.)
5. Increase exercise from 30 minutes to 45 minutes. (Before even attending the dietician I was doing about 20 minutes of cardio daily. For the past 2 weeks I was riding the bike for usually 30 minutes every day (had a couple of 20 minutes days thrown in there, but not many). This is the one that I think will be the hardest b/c I've completely lost my motivation. I was frustrated long ago, but regained some hope after my initial meeting w/ the dietician and makes changes food-wise. After the first two weeks I was slightly bummed, but not much and was "ready and raring to go" once the bike/elliptical was set up. After two weeks of seeing/feeling no change, however, I've become extremely uninterested and unmotivated. The last few days of exercising this past week I literally had to push myself through just so I could say to the dietician "I DID IT... it didn't work, but... I DID IT." Now, not only am I expected to continue something that's not showing me any results, but I'm expected to do even more of it. I'm dreading Monday morning.)
So those are the goals of the month. I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm feeling miserable about things. I ended up crying toward the end of my appointment out of complete frustration and anger; and for those of you who don't know me well, I'm not a big cryer and I absolutely HATE crying in front of people. I had to keep holding it back quite a bit during the appointment, but then I guess I hit my breaking point near the end and couldn't hold it in any longer. At least I was quickly able to calm down and gain control until I got to my car. A big part of me feels like - I shouldn't feel this awful... maybe it's better to just stop it all and return to old ways, which were never THAT bad to begin with. But another part of me knows it won't change things b/c even if the feeling of misery goes away for a bit b/c I'm not dreading about exercising or stressing about food plans... it'll end up returning b/c at the end of it all I'll still be fat. Or more technically... obese. And YES, I am obese so don't try to say I'm not. I've looked at bazillions of charts/graphs/lists/etc. and at my height and weight, even with a big-bone structure (which I don't even know if I have or not for sure, but if for arguments sake we say I do)... I am categorized as "obese," which absolutely disgusts me. (No offense to anyone out there who weighs more than me or slightly less but it shorter... I can honestly say I don't look at any of you in disgust at all. I most likely see you and think you're beautiful... it's my own body being obese that disgusts me.)
The dietician said I seems to hung up on the numbers in terms of my weight and I should try to think of something new for motivation. Like what?? How can I not focus on the numbers?? Maybe I'd be able to let them go a bit if I was seeing or feeling changes in my body, but I'm not so what else is there?? I don't feel any different. I feel worse b/c I'm so tired from getting up to early and b/c I'm getting so frustrated and angry with it all. I feel like I'm a failure even though I know I'm working really hard.
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*Slinky*
I'm totally boggled by why there are no changes at all. It doesn't make sense to me. I almost wonder if maybe something is going on with your thyroid or something. This doesn't make sense because you should totally be seeing or feeling some type of change.
ReplyDeleteBecause my body hates me and would rather protest and scream, "Screw you, Fatty McFatFat? It's the only logical reason I can think of. ':oP
ReplyDeleteWell, I don't think it's saying that but it may hate you lol j/k
ReplyDeleteSo... thoughts...
ReplyDelete1) I can't believe that with all this work with a dietician you haven't your bone density analyzed and your body fat analyzed? That seems odd to me: you should *know* what you're working with. I had a friend who, by every chart, should have been 140 at a healthy weight, but her bones were so dense that the doctor told her it would be dangerous to get below 150. Numbers based just on height and weight are less helpful than you would think without a body fat analysis. Different bodies are different.
All the changes the doctor is asking you to make are healthy ones. Bringing your own food is a fabulous idea--you'll know *exactly* what you're getting instead of having to guess. Exercise, though I know it's not always the most pleasant way to spend 30 minutes, energizes and strengthens your body over the long run, with or without actual weight loss. Have you talked about adding in strength training? Also make sure you're stretching, because I find that I become stiffer when I do cardio. Yoga is the only thing that fixes it for me.
Dear girl, consider please that the motivating factor here should not be a specific number on a scale, but looking and feeling better. Are you measuring your arms, legs, waist once a month to see if you're changing? Are you keeping track of your energy levels day by day? Being *content* with who you are NOW is also part of it... not that you shouldn't want to take steps to change, but that instead of feeling your body is out to get you, being thankful and mindful of all the beautiful, wonderful things your body does for you every single day.
Sleep is hard. I use a combination of Melatonin and an audiobook to help me sleep. And some nights I still wake up several times.
I wish you peace on your journey as always.